Gray

The weather forecast called for thunderstorms today. Hot and sticky slowly the gray skies are sliding into the past. The sun is reaching back from the future demanding to live in the now. I watch the shadows of the leaves dance on my deck and think to myself what is the MORE? I am lost. No purpose in life, empty shallow at 42 I sit here and wonder what is life about? The shadows dance on the deck…gray, one dimensional, and dim. These shadows are my life. The winds of change tickles the edges, I ask when will I no longer be a shadow, but a full living leaf that is rooted to the tree?
When did my life become so empty? Many say this is depression but it is not, it is something so much more. A form of spiritual death a precious gift dying that I know I must release or forever be lost. So I sit on the deck watch the dancing grays and pray for the green.
I have always been one to say I live without regrets. That I hold all that has been an experience of my past as a gift be it good or bad. Did Parsifal feel this emptiness on his search for the holy grail? So alone, desperate and dying? Was his world gray and meaningless before he found the secret? Did he witness the gray to green miracle? Can I find the strength to witness my own color guard change?
At this moment I regret that I have not lived a more normal life. This truth stares me in the face and shouts from the tips of the leaves…edgings of green coming into focus. Yes I have some fabulous tales to spin around a campfire and laughter comes easily as the drama queen pulls out her crown in the telling. The life of a seeker is lonely. We have many experiences to share to teach and to learn from. I can’t help thinking though at the end of the day that these experiences are the gray shadows on the deck compared to the gentle smile of a child that calls you mother. The passion of climbing a mountain face pales in comparison to listening to the steady breathing of your partner as you fall asleep at the end of the day. The comfort of writing is empty when mirrored to the sharing of your soul face to face with one you love, all the while knowing the risk of loss you take but, taking the chance anyway. My passion for this single isolated life is dying, I miss the touch of a lover, the quiet silences and the shoulder to lean on. I miss them? I laugh, how can I miss something I never have had? Again it is the knowing that lives deep in my essence that haunts me, telling me let go and believe. Has time tainted me? For at this moment I have little faith in what I have yet to experience, rather the knowledge of my past haunts me and calls from the dim grays that the MORE is a myth to forget and not strive for. Parsifal did you feel this? Where is the green?
I fight hard now to grasp onto anything that will make me feel. A woman so passionate about life I am now but a whisp of a ghost floating through life. Maybe I have it all wrong…. Always have! This is a devastating reality to come face to face with. The quest for inner peace, pushing forward courageously, always to do good for others while seeing the best of this world in all, is this a fable? I sit in reflection as the sun hides behind a huge black edged cloud. I ask, is there no silver lining for the seeker? I have always maintained that the religions that stated that Jesus never had a life companion were wrong. The belief that in having only himself and God was enough was a myth. I believed wholeheartedly that Jesus and Mary Magdala were two parts of one. This is union of soul, mind and body was the way to the divine. Trust, love, honor and respect shared between two people an experience that we all must strive for to reach ecstatic union with God. Not just sex people! Rather so much MORE. Now I doubt this, maybe the religions are correct. There are those of us whom are to be alone, as Christ is in the Bible to share the experiences of life and God, but never to share with another the total marriage of two souls that create passion for living. Am I giving up hope or living in reality? This thought saddens me for if I accept this as the role of my life what else will I settle for?
The sun hides still as the passion of these question fades. Where did this all come from one might ask. The truth is the answer. When one is faced with a truth about themselves we have options to take but, only one leads to a greater freedom. That option is surrender and acceptance of our responsibility. I must now speak the truth one so painful that I, like the sun, have hidden for years behind the clouds of a false reality. No longer may I hide this secret that I myself must face. The reasoning for the death of my passionate life. I must go there again.
Many have heard the story of my life, the trials and tribulations that I have survived. I have been compared to by others as having the power and essence of the Mary Magdala. I have spent months now reading of her, trying to see the resemblance. For you see, I do not see this at all. Mary Magdala was a woman of divine courage and faith. I am anything but. If I reflect on my beliefs that Mary and Jesus had a sacred marriage and that she gave birth, I see no comparison to me. This woman faced the decision, accepted the help of others and brought life into this world. I did no such thing.
Ten years ago, I made a decision in my life that lacked courage or the strength of one who holds the essence of Mary Magdala. A decision that will forever haunt me and that I believe I am being punished for. A wound that never heals. When asked what age was your favorite, I always quickly comment back 33! I go on to explain that is was the year that I changed my life. Returning to school, leaving my comfortable restaurant job, in great physical shape, facing truths and helping others. I never mention though that the age of 33 also held the worst day of my life. All these simple reasons that I state for being the best year of my life hinged on a decision that also made it the worst day of my life, a day of the coward and not accepting the gift that was given to me.
That day I sat alone on my couch crying tears that I hope I never have to shed again in this life. Then again, if presented with the same decision, I would not even consider the choice I made that day. I was pregnant, alone and afraid. The shadows on the deck are no longer visible, blocked from the sun the gray reigns as I go back to that day. A day I hid away, a choice I made that put me on a different path, one of my own free will, one that I regret.
I sat alone that day of the decision due to my own fear. This pregancy was not planned, we took precautions, I was careful and still this happens. I did what I thought was right in this relationship. I had previously had a year of celibacy and slowly dated this man. We did not sleep together until we were long into the relationship and then it was only once. I did not tell him of the child. I did not trust that he would not leave me where I was already, that of being alone. I thought to myself why take that risk? Why add fuel to the pain I was already experiencing? Why think that he would be any different than all the other men in my life? That he would actually stand by me, help and be a support. I did not even allow him the opportunity to try, I denied him the truth and myself the lesson of trust.
Alone I sat that day, on the couch speaking to a child that I did not have the heart to bring into this world. I loved this child, I wanted this child, but I lacked the courage, faith and respect for myself and God that I could do this. So instead on that day that the gray began to edge into my life, I cried and begged for forgiveness to a child that lived within me. I convinced myself that this was for the best, as I tried to convince this force I felt alive within me that same fact. I knew the child was fighting for its life, I felt it within me and the tears came harder and faster. I hated myself for lacking the faith in myself and God. I hated myself for believing that this was the right decision. Sadly, I still hate myself.
The childs voice left me that afternoon and with it my true passion in life. I chose my path. I saw the pregancy and this child as a cage, something I feared all my life. Reality was and is, that decision to deny myself the gift of that child was the true cage. One that there is no release from, one that I live in to this day.
Slowly, I come back to the present. The sun has slipped behind the hills and dusk will soon be upon me. The cage and the bars are still there, formed by the desire of the green of a leaf. Maybe tomorrow it will be sunny and I may heal some from opening this wound. Or maybe tomorrow the sky will cry a million tears for the path I chose. I only know now, the truth is told. Before this truth was faced, I was living a lie, a mask placed before all to see. I am raw now, naked and vulnerable. Who do you see? In front of me, stands Mary Magdala smiling.