Adventures in Dating

Well we all remember that classic movie Adventures in Baby-sitting, it seems that Adventures in Dating is not that far off the scope. Each new man a new adventure in the delving of self, I can only think to myself what a great time! NOT! Many times now, I think back to my solitude era with fond memories. Times of self indulgence, emotional unavailability, education, mountain climbing, museums, friends, cafés and no one to pound my heart into dust but myself! When it came to the time to move on, I looked upon dating with enthusiasm and glee. I have always been a woman that had a boyfriend or no one. To date was exciting. No more false front, really knowing who and what I am, I put myself out there to see what will come. And come they did!

I did not understand that dating was going to be an educational experience. I thought it would be fun, exciting and just flirtations. Rather, I have found that in each man I find a piece of myself. I am forced to go to depths and heal areas that I much rather have left buried. Growing pains! I thought I left those behind in my teens, guess not! Life is a series of growing pains, part of the journey, the plan, the way. I have loved each of these men unconditionally, or so I believed. This was the strongest lesson I learned. To be able to allow them to be themselves and go when they had to. Now did I like this? No! But we do not own anyone nor, do they own us. They are placed in our lives to help the universe grow. You see it has more to do with than you and me. It is about healing all that there is. Each man has healed my feminine energy and I have helped them heal. The lessons vary, it maybe an issue of trust, compassion, patience, unconditional love or plan old releasing the ego. This is the mission to heal the male and female energies damaged for thousands of years and now accelerating at unbelievable speeds.
My first man in this last realm of dating was 16 years my senior. He was nothing like my former male companions. No money, short, slightly overweight and with a zeal for the painful. A heart of gold, he did everything he could to heal me from my anger issues. I believe that many times we attract those in our lives to heal the wounds we just don’t want to face. JB taught me so many beautiful lessons. We started off as friends the best foundation for a relationship and because of this we are great friends to this day. We spent hours talking about dealing with life on life terms. We spoke on the existence of God who at that time I doubted! We laughed, we cried, spent hours just being happy in the simple daily chores of life. I thank him for teaching me to live in the moment. Do not take anything for granted. To deal with the anger that raged inside of me. I thank him for setting me free and letting me fall on my knees and surrender to myself. Finally, he taught me that he is there for me, sadly only on his terms, but still he is there. This small amount of support was more than I ever experienced before in my life. He taught me that I am a strong, brilliant, woman that is beautiful inside and out. He saw my beauty and strength when I did not and in our break up he taught me I did not need him to know this. Lastly, my lesson with JB was that I could not save anyone but myself. Each individual has free will and we can not force one to love us or even listen to our suggestions, if they are not willing. All happens for a reason and I am grateful that he still makes me laugh and infuriates me. Any other way would not be JB and I appreciate the man he is.
Long distance relationships via the Internet, not one I highly suggest! K.. swooped me off my feet. He gave me the romance I needed, made me stretch my mind, my heart and open my soul. This man taught me to love unconditionally and to forgive. Living in Canada, we were not just miles apart, but also, countries apart. He resurrected the adventurous Denise; awakened was the seeker, the risk taker, the writer, the woman. I jumped on a plane and flew to Canada after hours of phone calls and endless hours of love talk. He gave me excitement, made me face my issues of motherhood and lack of self worth. He encouraged me to learn, to open myself to my weaknesses and strengths, educating me to believe in love and to embrace it. Through K.. I experienced the cleansing of tears, loss, rejection, abandonment and deception. All lessons I did not care to relive, but his betrayal forced me to deal with my father issues, learn that it was not about me, rather them. What was about me was how I would deal with the situation, struggle through, feel all of it and still know I can be loved regardless of what they did to me. This is when I came to understand the power of God living within me. Two months of endless crying, the need to know why and deep immersion with God left me a stronger woman. A divine female with a voice, a heart and knows that in pain and sorrow there is bliss and joy. I will forever be grateful for the doors opened by this man. In dealing with this relationship, I found that I had a voice and a choice. I could say enough was enough when he left and returned. I could express forgiveness in the face of his hate filled words. I also could heal when the deception was revealed. Learning that sometimes the why is better not known! He introduced me to some of the most amazing women in my life. These women support and love me regardless of the mood or situation I am in at the time. My brain functions again, the craving for knowledge once again flows through my being. The pain was unbearable, but I smile fondly in the memories of the life coming back to me with his romance and praise. I know now it was not him, it always lived within me, I just needed a mirror to see.

Out of the blue came this simple man. One again not of my usual type. Soft spoken, a lover of nature and music. A thinker, but one who delves only so deep. A man who knows how to shut down his mind when needed and take a mental vacation! Pure moments, of contentment were the lessons here. Patience and understanding to let one be with their own lessons. Allowing to let go and just be. My need to heal his wounded soul no longer became a desire. I felt his pain but, knew that I can not heal one who is unwilling to open up. This simple man taught me to receive, to allow another to do for me. Independent in nature, I forever am unwilling to allow another to help me. Forever the giver, I did not want the cost of receiving. I believed that in allowing another to do for me I owed them and someday they will call in the marker. Where K had shattered my allowance to trust, T now taught me to open up and I would not be judged. He saw the loving woman I am, and taught me not to settle for less than I deserve. Our friendship has grown. I know that is all we can have. He can not live in my world for long, but he sure gave it a good try. His gentle nature and his joy in doing things for me exhibited to me what I feel when I do for others. In order to grow we have to allow the other to give also and be vulnerable to receive. I will never forget our camping trip when he did everything for me. So against my nature, I was so uncomfortable and just wanted to cry. It hurt to allow him to pamper me and just be happy for his joy in giving. I slowly became accustomed to this new feeling. I take joy in remembering the simple moments of sharing around a camp fire, while the stars danced over our heads to our musical laughter. T has been there never leaving, while I dealt with painful issues. He loves me to the best of his ability, which I now see is not enough for me. I value his friendship and the purity of trust and acceptance.

At the moment I realized that I had to let T be, I also gave up. I no longer looked for love or a man in my life. I found bliss in my writing. My life was a mess, but I love chaos! For this short period my self-esteem hit a low. I did not know where I fit in. The life of an outsider goes through these periods in which although your faith is strong, you find you have lost your goal and understanding of why you are here. I also learned at this time, that I am emotionally unavailable to the men in my life. I allow them in only so far, then I put up a wall. Each of these men have journeyed farther in the Lake of Lorraine, some even allowed to swim in the warm currents. At some point though, I put up a dam and do not allow them to go over the falls at the base of the waters edge. I believed that if they knew the real Denise Lorraine they could not love me. Unique, different, original, there is a comfort in being the fantasy. Though I protested and protested that I was a woman, not a dream, I did not allow them to discover this on their own. I sabotage every relationship when I feel vulnerable or threatened. So I had made the decision to just be myself and not date, nor allow anyone in. Then came J. With a simple hi, he just breezed through the locked doors and taught me to feel. I have never been made love to, always made love to men, no allowance of emotional drenching in another soul. That was dangerous. It meant that you had to be totally open, vulnerable, submissive and enjoy being yourself. I allowed J to come to the Lake of Lorraine, swim in the currents, and teach me to receive my own beauty. What a gift, bittersweet in its revelation, that I had denied myself this glory for so long. I realized during this grace that J bestowed on me, that I had been here before. The poetry, the phone calls, the romance, the desire to know me, the inner me to know what makes me tick all that J was doing was bringing to surface a final healing. An issue that I just did not want to surface. I was told that I don’t have relationships, the truth hurts sometimes.

Today I had to deal with the past and a man named Jack. I buried this relationship, never acknowledging it or mourning it. A captain for a large airline, I met Jack in my senior year of college. I had a few dates, but always with younger men, who were enchanted with me and I would not have to have any form of emotional commitment to. Jack was different. He rearranged his flights in order to visit Massachusetts, just spend a couple of hours at my bar and get to know me. I told him firmly he had no chance with me. I was not dating, nor was I looking to date. This did not deter this man. He said he would wait, for I was worth the wait. I think back now at the small things he did for me. The notes, the flowers, the interest in what I was learning, a book I loved, coffee at just the right time, a smile during a stressful peroid, hours of talk and plain old just being there not giving up. Eight months he did this, flying up regularly twice a week to sit and talk to me, learn about the woman, not just the beauty behind the bar. Slowly, I let him in and finally we began to date. I now close my eyes and remember how he taught me to dream again. Walking through used book stores, strolling and sharing our selections, exclaiming excitement in a rare find or a secret smile as we glanced at the others direction. Silent moments in bed while reading, the comfort and contentment of just being in the presence of the other, no words needed….. just being. I was happy and to the best of my ability at that time, I fell in love. I let Jack make love to me, but still the wall was there, no trust in men, I gave him what I could. He knew I was holding back, but still he pampered me with luxury hotels in Boston, chocolate truffles, listening to my rantings, a touch on the back, long passionate kisses and dreams of what we would do in our future. It was the closest I have ever been to a man and I chose to let it go. I took a new powerful job, while he also started a new position in Miami. He sent me cards, phone calls and emails. I flooded him with my tormented writings! All the while the Dave Matthews song Crash kept pounding in my head. I just knew that if given the chance he was going to break my heart. I made a decision then, to immerse myself in my new career and forget him. Slowly, the communication stopped, I lost myself in the business world growing more unhappy each and every day. Then I lost that job and out of the blue he contacts me. I think, should I answer? Is it too late? Can I try? His email says he is flying again and needs to see me. I wait a week before answering, there are voice mails left by him, but still I wait. Finally, pulling everything I have in the department of courage, I email him yes. What happened next knocked my socks off. I received an email back from his wife. He had returned to her and she was telling me that I needed to stay away. She knew of me and asked me to please leave them be, give her another chance. I was right! I felt like a fool for dreaming that we could start again.

This short romance with J opened this all over again, making me face it and deal with it. Did I handle J correctly? NO! I again sabotaged the glory that is the gift that God gave me. I did not appreciate the beauty of what he made me feel nor, did I thank God for this man. Ungrateful, I drove him away. Feeling fearful and vulnerable, I did not trust that no matter what, God always takes care of me. I looked to the future, lived in the past and ignored the present. I did not live what I preach! This has been a strong lesson and maybe a What if ….that will haunt me to my dying day. Free will is a strong ally, not to be taken lightly. At this moment I thank God for this man, who I allowed to swim in my lake, deeper than any other man in my life. I am grateful for the healing of Jack and my love for him, allowing the acknowledgment of my choice and remembering that I made the choice. I now see what I do with relationships and am willing to be emotionally available. I am blessed and graced. For although each man has been a vehicle for learning, the lessons have always been there inside of me! As the antics in that timeless movie Adventures in Baby-Sitting revealed, Thor was only an illusion, the truth lies within. My Adventures in Dating have provided me with beautiful Thors, that I am so grateful for! I also have learned that these are men, living, breathing, loving humans. They are just as important as I am. The lessons I have learned were gifts from them, they are not illusions, rather equal partners in the journey. I am at peace again, having shed tears for the past and my foolishness of the present. Dating, a journey worth taking, one of courage, love and compassion.
Dlt copyright Aug. 31 2004 all rights reserved