Solitary dancing

Indian summer flows with grace that is ageless. Mists of morning float from the ground to the sky this beautiful September morning. Reflection whispers from the mists as I slowly wake to the day. I think back to my youth, a time I loved being surrounded by others, craving their presence. Even as a child I needed private time. Time to run away from others. I find that when I am surrounded by so many people my energy becomes drained. As a child I would run to the woods with a book, sit beneath a tree, reading while I soaked in solitude. Many do not understand this need, a cry from the soul for solitude. I love and need to just shut out the world for a time. Rejuvenate my soul fill it with passion and colors of living. I remember my family and lovers looking at me with disdain. Many think you selfish, while others view you as lonely! I find that loneliness is caused from not being about to sit in your own presence and love that moment. If you are not comfortable with yourself how can you be comfortable with others? Being alone is not something to fear. It is a gift. This is time to open our eyes to the small important things in life. If we always run through life we miss life!!!

So now I sit here and try to explain what it is that I feel. I have spent many years happy in my single life. Travel, read, clean, sleep and dream when I want. I work hard at the jobs I take on. Surrounded by people for hours who need my attention and assistance. As a result, I crave those hours to myself. My partners in the past never understood this need to have time to myself. To just empty myself to the universe and do what ever it is I need to do. Sleep, hike, go to the mountains or the sea, visit a bookstore or just lie in the back yard. They always needed to be part of all I do. I felt trapped, caged in many relationships, the reason for running more than once. So I laugh now in thinking that it would be nice to fall asleep next to a warm body. To feel the comfort of another soul sleeping next to you. Comprehending that someone else in this universe shares something so vulnerable and sacred, sleep and you trust them to travel in your dreams with you. What has changed in my life that I desire to share myself with another? I was always satisfied before with the aloofness that was comfortable and safe. No needing anyone, only myself to depend on and take care of. Solitude, so different than loneliness. I reflect now I am not lonesome, I enjoy my world the difference is that I would like to share it with another now. Looking at the self and always living a life that is revolving around only me does not seem right. There is more than this, I know.

This new desire really confounds me. It has been building for a year now. I have dated a few men and only a couple have come close being the person who may be the one I share myself with. Each relationship has evolved, I learn how to share to back off and to move forward. I now voice what I want or need where my aloofness always kept me silent and built a wall between that special man and myself. Funny, I am willing now to let the walls fall and crumble to the ground. Watch as they become dust and blow away in the wind. It is a freeing thought to know that I am willing. Life is funny, always a new lesson just around the corner, one to be discovered and enjoyed. I wonder what is around the corner waiting for me now? I wait for the lesson as the dust blows by me.

dlt © Sept 23 2004