Morning Dew

Ecstasy equates
To the morning dew
Reminders to all
We are washed anew
Life and memories
The past holds the clue
Learn now
Convert
In the morning dew.
Birds sing freely
Souls that dance in the night
Clearly blessed
Ready to take flight
Wishes and dreams
Soar towards the sky
All within reach
Life so fresh
Blessed in the morning dew
Slowly I rise
From the tumbling sleep
Gentle waves of moisture
Gracing my feet
The path is in front
The road is behind
Baptized each morning
Drenched in holy morning dew
Each day is a gift
Cherish and laugh
Tomorrow is too far
Today is the plan
Live in the moment
Walk in the air
Roll in the grass
Let it dance in your hair
Seconds of youth
Vibrate and sing
Flooding the soul
Ecstatic tears
The Goddess brings
Disguised and hidden
Do you not see?
Here is the key
Breathe in and deep
Refresh the life within
An instant, forever
Be the morning dew.
Birth of the morning
As the foliage is feed
Colors and songs
Waltz through my head
I hear the whispers
Feel the calling
Forever I live
Kissed by the morning dew.
dlt © june 26 2004

Essence of a Soul

Essence of a Soul
Inglorious erstwhile,
Struggles forth,
In darkness is met.

Essence of a Soul,
Mute and Deaf,
Screaming and shouting,
Pain forever left.

Essence of a Soul
Once barren, forlorn,
Gasps, pleads!
Sunrise innate!

Flaming hope.
Cherished faith.
Willingness fresh.
Love stark!

Two dance as one;
Heart and mind,
Nascence pure and light
Essence of a Soul… Anew!

Lady Lorraine du Lac © June 17 2004

Dance of the Devas

Yellling, Screaming
Dancing, Sweating
Women divided,
United!
Fighting it seems,
The union of two,
lost halves,
now found.
Sacred Marriage
The calm and the strong.
Dark and the Light.
Embracing with love,
Divine is the time,
The torch held as one!

Lady Lorraine
June 17 2004

For Us There is None

Walking across dew kissed grass
Serene heart gently sighs
Moments seconds minutes trapped in glass
Lyrical soul aspiration flies.

A blizzard of separation
Discovery of distance
Time to uncover
Our truth to reveal.

Breathing deep as the stars shine and sing
Moonbeams dance as we grow more distant
Our paths growing away
Limbs reaching stretching away from the core

Experience screams LISTEN
Enraptured, enchanted the breathe of the muse
A gift so rare and difficult to render
Fate as you leave, her truth your heart transfused!

I smile to myself as slowly you become
Listening to the muse
You glow and you shun
The past and the future for us there is none

DLT © June 2004

The Bee

He skitters and he scatters,
He zips and he zaps,
It is you he flatters,
He knows we are a couple of saps!

The music plays happily,
Dancing to the beat he performs never a slip!
High in the sky, he dives so craftily
Floating and soaring he ends with a flip!

We laugh and we giggle!
To the front of the bee,
I saw your finger wiggle!
"Sit" you shouted with glee!

Seducing you, the bee has his fun
Tears run freely as we jest,
For your love he has won!
A perfect moment held dear in my breast!


For Tim
My teacher
My student
Of living in the moment!

Blessings

Denise © May 21 2004

Quabbin Writings

December 28 2003

Sunday

Quabbin




I sat upon the shores of the Quabbin today, my inside quivering as I faced a truth of my future. The death of a dream, a hope, another life. I wander now, start a pot of coffee, take the dog out, put on music, smoke a cigarette and another cigarette. Anything but sit here and write. I know once I put this on paper it will be gone, maybe not totally but it will be real and I will have to move on. I close my eyes listening to the harmonic melody playing, drums, crickets, wind instruments, a deep pulse moving through me. I pray, help me God to write and move on.

So again I take you to the shore of the Quabbin with me. A man made reservoir that for me holds the secret of man and God’s unity. You can not see the man made elements… although you know that they lie there towns deserted beneath the waters surface, all you can see is the creative beauty of God’s wonder, trees, water, sky, rocks…life. I come here often. I find balance at the waters edge. I can hear the children’s lost laughter from the sunken towns echoing amongst God’s trees. The lost laughter of children, this is why I am here.

As I make my way to the water’s edge I pass fellow travelers, saying Good Day! How are you? Wishing them well, moving on. It is a pleasure to share a moment with another human being, extending a genuine smile and nod that you acknowledge their existence . Many others come to this water’s edge to ponder their past, present and future. The energy is strong, healing it draws me forward but still I question am I ready?

As I make my way to God’s chosen spot for me, I take pictures of the water, rocks and dead lifeless trees. I am always drawn to these gray ghosts standing silently, drooping by the waters edge. I see myself as one of them. Dried up, dead, a vessel where no life will spring from, no buds leaves, fruit or children.

I walk towards the waters edge, I know that the man I love is right. I must face and deal with this. If I do not there is no hope for us. I do not know if I am ready. There is a lulling comfort in the pain of holding on. I brood over this truth, but my love for him is stronger than the comfort and I know I must travel on. My steps move me forward to the balance of the water’s edge, silently praying for the strength and courage to face the dark fear that bars me from my future.

I sit now on a cold flat stone balanced on the edge of land and water. I face the winter sun, a small river of ice runs toward the water beneath my right foot. My back is against the water, I know when I turn to face the serene calmness that holds the healing power of the water, I will have to face the laughter of the children. My cigarette is done, put out now in my back pack, do not want to leave any evidence of my being here. What am I waiting for?

I hear an airplane in the background its motors beckon to me to turn face the water and look, see and know. I pray:

I ask you God for strength and courage

I ask you God to stand by me

In order to move closer to you

I ask you God

To help me

Help me

I turn and face the water….

I see my shadow on the water’s surface dark against the warm brown of the sandy beach. Gentle ripples move across the water towards my shadow, beyond me God’s love in those ripples radiating around, across and through me. It is time.

I will never have any children. I always thought I would make time. Reality is I did not I made choices and now my time is past. It is too late. There it is said. The sad truth is that I still want them, but now I know that this is not to be. This is so hard to deal with, especially when you are a woman who always gets what she wants. I must face this truth. There is no other way, if I do not I will be a prisoner to the past and forever be the gray ghost of a lifeless, drooping tree at the water’s edge.

So now I sit here, the cold from the stone running up my spine and I cry for the mother I will never be. I cry for the children laughter I will never hear. It is so hard to let go of this, I do not know if I can do this by myself. Do I have to?

For the first time in my life I heard from a man’s lips the words "It is not your problem Denise, It is ours." This is more than I could dream of. Can I trust you with this precious secret that lies within me. Will you help me?

I look down the gentle waves of the water reach the edge of the thin ice that bridges the water to the land. The waters gentle movement creates a pulse living within the thin ice. A beating heart strong steady giving life to hope.

The tears stop, I stand and balance upon the rock. Thanking God and Mother Earth for the healing wisdom they have bestowed on me. The winter sun’s rays grow stronger as if they say to me, "You are welcome!" I gather my things and move towards the woods, a short cut to the road and home.




The Woods

Death of Desire….

Wouldn’t it be so easy if all I did then was gather my things, walk to the woods, get in my car drive home and all is well in the world. Sadly that is not the way towards enlightenment or reality of the world. I hate to tell you but suffering, pain, anguish are the bedfellows of the death of a dream ,our desires.

I made my way through the woods, not a wise choice. Safety and comfort lies at the water’s edge. I am not one for safety and comfort, my life has its foundation on the rocks of pain. Moving through the pain a place I know so well is the only way towards my future. Only then may I may find the truth of safety and comfort.

The death of a dream can not be communicated through words, paintings, sculpture, music, aromas, taste… nothing can describe… it is all hope and all death rolled into one.

I walked through the woods, the gray finger of lifeless trees grabbing at me…other barren women pulling me towards them telling me to stay. I will not. Colors of yellow, blues, greens, orange and blood red swirling around me creating a tangle or rusted barbed wire that ripped at my skin peeling off layers of my true self. Ever breath deeper as the barbed wire wound itself around my insides my heart, blood pouring out from me…

The music started… loud drums, chaotic rhythms, pounding my skin split with screams that only I can hear. I can not breath I shake but pull myself forward .. for I know that this too shall pass. Everything hurts… the colors are swirling black now… the music and screams have no beat just a high pitch whine… my heart beats so fast my breathing is rapid. I am at the roads edge. It is done.

I scream out loud just to hear that I am still alive. I do not care if anyone hears me. Slowly I hear the gentle rush of a small stream nearby, the winter sun comes out and I begin to breathe. A single tear caresses my cheek. I know this will not be the last one I will shed for this dead desire. There are no words, no art, no poetry or music that can make one understand the power that lies between the hope and death of a dream. It is a spiritual connection with the light and dark that lies within all of us. In order to learn we must draw our swords and battle our way through our own dark woods, releasing ourselves from the pain of precious dreams of our past in order to gain perspective our what grand dreams God has for our future. I know what I must do…

Questions

Alone now wandering room to room,
Echoes of liquid laugher floating down the hall
Embracing me with honey warm joy.

What I ask made this so special?
Moments of shared quietude
Simple safety of contentment reigned.

Drenched in music
Time flew
As our souls stood still.

Silent smiles
Speaking grander than any words
Our inner selves slowly emerge.

Childhood memories
Danced through our night
Sweet sharing revealing racing hearts young .

Alone I sit
This serenity so new
A blessing I know all because of you.

Denise Tetro © May 2004

The Snake Charmer

You hide in the bushes and lurk from the trees,
silent you think as you creep through the weeds.
Stalking the prey now wise to your needs;
I sense your presence, forever I see.

You listen and contrive,
from the outside you watch silently.
The saunter of the walker as her faith thrives,
her steps strong and steady as she glides defiantly.

Oh dear muse!
You stand in the shadows of fallen oaks,
like a torrent rain your empty words,
drenching your soul, denial forever to soak!

Courage brings you to my front,
to know the secret of the walk.
But lies, doubt and broken trust,
are walls that cause you to balk.

I see you now,
without your daystar glitter,
only a man,
lost and bitter.
A raggedy man,
who runs and retreats.
Just a man,
who has wornout the soles of his feet.

Lost in the mind,
dead of the heart,
you exhaust me!
I no longer play my part!

Denial is a snake charmer...
that will whisper sweet lies in your ears,
blind your eyes,
harden your heart,
deaden your soul...

So dear muse,
I live to feel the blood in my heart,
the singing of my soul,
I close my ears for I now have control.

I pray someday,
for the return of your daystar glitter.
Once who knew he way, a man so brave.
Desire bright that burns, living within the oak,
and a life lead no longer bitter.

March 30 2004 © dlt

The Priestess of the Fallen Oaks

The Priestess of the Fallen Oaks

I fell into the moon
And lived in the land of the midnight sun
the gate swings open
and I am greeted by a muse
gently he whispered love laced riddles in my ear
speaking to my heart, my soul opened
each willing to hear
my mind runs to the darkness...
Taking the muses hand we walked through the garden
in silent seperation
the light shines on
Alone with the muse
Sadly our hands slip out from the tender embrace
surrounded by a lush green of a dream
the riddles danced through me
the answers sleep upon the muses lips
I yearn to know the answers
but still
I am not told
there will be no kiss
so I may breathe in the answers..
anger flares...
why?
I look at the muse
no words..silent sadness
the riddles flying like hummingbirds in the air
The muse slowly fades in front of me
bursting into star dust
surrounding me like a tornado of Divine light
Soaking through my skin
the garment of my soul
I am a day star in the land of the midnight sun...
Without my muse I am lost.
my starlight fades in and out
traveling the overgrown paths
finally lost in the wilderness
I forge my own ...
searching for the answers
My shining garment is soiled and torn
My soul exposed and vulnerable
I am trailed by the hummingbird riddles
the whirl of their wings
throbs noisly in my mind
lost in the darkness still
memories of my muse
glisten upon my skin
a torture of the lessons learned
Hope struggles with each dying breathe
Desire and longing
I firmly clasp at my breast
my heart beats for the muse
to look within the all knowing eyes
and to see my granduer as he once did

I awaken in a meadow
bees busy at work
floating from stem to stem
bringing new life into the center of the moon
I gaze upon a mighty oak
tall and strong
My hands long to roam across the rough bark
and hear the whispers of the years
A lonely oak
who longs for companionship
I see the changing of many seasons
a hawk flies above and watches my progress
A voice I hear
with wise words that draw me
beware for what you seek
It will both amaze and bring you great sorrow
The seed of the old oak
dropped from the sky
the struggle for the roots to receive the life's water
Clutching at the earth
its mother
each morsel of soil
clings to the roots
painfully they spread and gain strength
Feeding from the full breasts of the Goddess
I feel the years of the oak passing through time
standing tall young and proud
Alone he is not
living among a forest of friends
slowly the disease of man took away their lives
Only shadows of fallen oaks grace the meadow
Towering alone now
waiting to be called forth
ripping it' s roots from the mother earth
The goddess lives within the pulp
She cries for the shadows of lost souls
The the dance of the leaves
of her fallen soldiers
that once stood proudly in the meadow
I call...
softly, gently
a lullaby
yearning to see the miracle
To feel the earth beneath my feet
rumbling
ripping itself from the mother
The oak struggles for freedom
as the hummingbirds take refuge within the branches
I hear the earth give way
thunder and screams...
groaning ...
straining for release
I stand aside...
my tears
now the life source for the exposed roots
I reach forward
crystal teardrops drip from the tips of my outstreched fingers..
like rain in the desert
falling to the roots
mingling with the milk of the Goddess
each splashing into a thousand stars
that sail towards the sky
swimming with the hawk
Alone I stand waiting
for when the oak will be ready to live in my star shine
and I in the center of the rings
One with the Goddess
her Priestess of the Fallen Oaks...

Love Light and Peace
Lady Lorraine du Lac

Outsiders

Outsiders
I remember coming home one day when I was 14 years old crying…my mother opened the door with a worried look upon her face. This was an unusual site for her… you see I never cried, at least not in the open where others could see me. My mother was used to a little warrior marching into the house, smile on, books in hand and always a new tale to tell from the day. This young girl who walked in with red eyes brimming with endless tears was a new fragile person to her. She looked at me asking what could be wrong. There are times in life when even the strong break.

Earlier that day at gymnastics I had introduced my new floor exercise routine. I worked hard and long for many hours down in the small judo room putting this 1 minute and 30 second debut together. I had played the music Exodus over and over at times breaking it down to 2 or 3 seconds in order to perfect the right movement with the notes from the piano music. At night when I laid in bed I replayed the music in my head and each movement until I visualized my body in perfect unison with the music. I loved this routine. I was proud of it knowing that it reflected me... what lived with in my spirit. It was mine.. not a routine made up by a coach for me to mimic but me dancing, leaping, flipping and spinning one with the music. I choreographed it to reflect how I felt and wanted to communicate to the judges. It was me.

That day Eileen my coach asked if she could see the new routine. I usually did not perform my new optional floor ex until the meet. Always one for the dramatic entrance! But that day her smile was large and I knew she really wanted to see my work. Nodding okay, I handed her the album (yes album! Vinyl!) walked out to the middle of the carpeted mat centering myself and struck a pose. The music started slowly a building force and as usual I got lost … a point where there is only my spirit, the music and my body. I worked my way through leaping with precision each arm movement joined with a beat. As the tempo built I performed back handsprings ending with a perfect full twisting somersault. (I was the only one who could do this trick so ego was involved!) Slowing again as I worked my way onto the ground now one with the mat as I gracefully lowered myself onto the carpet for the final dramatic pose. Done!

I remember coming back to the gym from the music center that lived within me. Eileen standing there no words… but slowly the laughter began…all my teammates… the girls who I shared hours of my life with in this gym laughing at me. I remember Dayna who was my closest friend on the team saying, " You think you will win with that????" They began to mimic some of my moves with clumsy gestures and laughed harder. I recall hearing Eileen telling them to stop as I ran out of the gym. Tears rolling down my face I gathered my things and ran home. I was never one to run before so why now?

There I was then standing in the door my mother asking me what could be wrong? How can a 14 year old girl explain to her mother the exhaustion caused by living outside the world of the norm? I could not explain it to myself so how could I voice this torture to my mother who loved me so much? It was not just my gymnastics that classified me as an outsider, rather it was everything about me. The way I danced, thought, dressed and what I believed in. It was the boys I fell in love with, the fact that I loved school and rather be there then anywhere else! It was how I sat in the back yard for hours staring at the sky filled with clouds, the birds and trees. The fact that I would rather read a book than talk on the phone. It was the friends I picked and teachers I loved. It was everything about me and for the first time I realized that I was an outsider different than others and I did not fit in! This was the reason for running and the tears. I sat on the couch and told my mother my tale of humiliating laughter from the girls I believed to be friends. To this day I remember my mother smiling, shaking her head and grabbing my hand. She took me into my bedroom where the walls were lined with trophies, ribbons, plaques and medals. She looked at me with pride and said "Denise, Do they have all of these?" I miserably shook my head No, She replied "This is what being different.. unique (nice way of putting it) will always get you..." as she ran her hand across the hundreds of awards I had received through the years. She finished "So why would you want to be like them?" My mother sat me on my bed facing those ribbons and medals telling me about artists whom had been laughed at the same way and now where considered to be masters. She told me of great scientists and leaders who had the same ridicule laced through out their lives and now are looked upon with awe. My mother told me that those who are willing to stand tall and be different change this world and she believed that this power lived within me. She wiped the tears away and told me to be strong. She gave me that day a gift I will carry to my grave. I performed that routine with more passion then I thought possible. I won over and over again. Slowly my fellow teammates laughter faded from my head.

This 30 minutes spent with my mother at the age of 14 has returned to me numerous times in my life…. always giving me strength to be different...return to school at the age of 33 and graduate with honors. To search in areas of life that others find "crazy" or repulsive. When I was told at the age of 21 I could not possibly dive from 113 feet for a world record… I climbed that ladder and proved them wrong. Have I always made the right choices? Who knows…I dance to a different beat and that is just fine with me today. Call me crazy, insane, whacked or just plain nuts! I will always hold my head up high... remember the words my mother told me and open the next door in my life with hope, joy and insane anticipation of the next adventure!

Lady Lorraine

With in and With out

With in and With out

Dark and gloomy,
Once no light;
Lost and lonely
Each day a fight.

Moment by moment,
Day by day,
Time stood still,
A soul to pay.

Slowly emerging,
Pushing and straining,
The light up ahead,
The cure for the ailing.

Manifested of pain,
Balance unknow,
Light from within,
All to atone.

Power achieved,
Freedom lives,
Down on the knees,
Surrender gives!

Within and without,
There is no difference,
Divine love sprouts,
Living in his presence.

Two become one,
Spirit and heart,
True to the shaman,
All have a part.

The river runs deep,
No longer a struggle,
Minds need not sleep,
The spirit immortal.

Be oh so silent,
Live in the present,
A past violent,
Tomorrow repent.

Within is the light,
Love is the key,
Yours to ignite,
Answer the plea.

Time is the essence,
Forgive and forget,
Living luminescence,
Paid is the debt.

Pain so bold,
Forever to hold,
Surrender my dear,
Banish the fear!

Blessed am I,
Who lives in the sky,
Fruits of ones labor,
Grace! Divine Favor!

Lady Lorraine
May 28 2004

The Spiral

The Spiral


I sit here in my house in the country, Barney my dog curled up tightly in his little bed sleeping away so peacefully. The sun has just risen and streaks of pink reach across the new days sky slowly searching for the hope that lives just beyond it’s touch. It is a new day, another chance for peace. Sitting in my study sipping the first cup of hot coffee of the day, I sit and wait for the calm. My cat, Obi leaps against the glass sliding doors struggling to play with a little bird outside the window. The bird does not move… it just sits there and stares at the crazy little black priestess. She sits there perplexed at why that bird is so unattainable. It looks at her and flies away I can hear it snickering with every wing flap. It leaves behind a confused female wondering why she can never break through that glass wall.

The calm is not easily achieved this morning. I look around my little home. The floors need to be vacuumed, books need to be placed on shelves, clothes washed and dishes done. Hundreds of CD cases lay empty… with a stack of discarded music along the wall… music I can not listen to. My keyboard stares at me…no words fly from my fingertips…WHY CAN’T I DANCE? What happened to my precious music vibrating through my very essence? Music my blood, running through my soul bursting into a white light so immense I can only believe it is God. Where is it? My energy dissipated, I am lost in the darkness. A tear runs down my face as I mourn the loss of my music and the dance. A stack of art books lay discarded… nothing speaks to me. All my loves, my distractions, my drugs stripped from me. Now my house cluttered and littered with my disenchantment of this life is a work of art that reflects my mind. Even the coffee is flat. Normally I take a deep whiff of the warm embracing aroma… just before I sip with delight. Gulping today, I smell nothing. Cigarette after cigarette smoked and put out, my ashtrays overflow. Food tastes bland I numbly place each bite in my mouth chewing without taste.. a function only, sadly I continue to chew even when I am not hungry. Finally, I reach down to that sleeping bundle of love Barney, stroke his tiny head….my heart breaks! I can not feel the love.

My senses are dying…for a sensual woman so soak in the warm summer breezes, rich silk of chocolate laced across my tongue or the tears released from viewing a shooting star… this is worst than death! My heart sunk to the bottom of the sea lost with the city of Atlantis as the thought of living like this forever drenched my being. No more lost moments in union with a Mozart symphony, heart racing with the reading of Shakespeare’s sonnet 18, flying to God as I dance through hours of music or the sharing of a soul holding my love’s hand. This is too much to take. He is gone and I am alone with the pain. It is all about my love for him and nothing about my love for him.

When and how did this happen? More important why? How did I get here this desolate tormenting moment in my life? I close my eyes, breathing slowly knowing where I have to go….not to last night or even 2 weeks ago when the pain started, no it began years ago! That is the road I must travel now or forever live a false life.

I had believed that the spiral down was finished, it had started June 9,1999. Newly graduated from college with honors I was living in the middle of the universe. Happy, proud and ready to start again at 38 years of age, the world had laid a red carpet before me…many in fact which way should I go? I laughed regularly with the excited joy of new adventures. I opened an email thinking it must be joke or a riddle from my Uncle Jack… the replacement father I loved dearly. What I found there was one of those moments when time stands still. My grandmother on my father’s side had died. I had not seen her in years but still the ache of loss echoed through my heart. I was determined at that moment to go to the wake! SO WHAT if my father would be there. He can’t hurt me now… I can do anything, I thought to myself. Did I not just accomplish more than anyone dreamed I would in this lifetime? Strong with emotion I read on……there was no mention of any of us. No Denise, Frank or Patti when they listed grandchildren. Time stood still and the darkness came dragging me out of the center of my universe to a catacomb of my mind. We did not exist. I was nothing… as if I had never been born. It was at this moment that the black spiral down to my core began…. I thought.

The next four years I threw myself into the material world producing money and power. Funny I did not become joyful, in fact I sunk deeper the harder and more powerful I became. Until after a disastrous love affair with a man whom only thought I loved and just realized that the pain came from the fact that I could not save him from the death living in his eyes. This realization had me driving towards a bridge at 90 miles an hour praying for the courage to close my eyes and just aim. It was then I heard my voice again. It had been silent for so very long I almost did not recognize it! The voice screamed STOP THIS NOW! And I woke up from the dark catacomb swerved away and pulled over to the side of the turnpike and cried for the first time in years. I choose to live at that moment, to crawl out and learn to love. My walk towards the light began right then and there at 41 years of age, sitting in a dark car on the side of a lonely highway.

So I ask myself how could I be here now? No more tears to cry….dehydrated from the racking sobs of the last week. I gave this man all of me! The first time I was honest, open and loved unconditionally. Why did he abandon me? A sob crawled to the base of my throat, I pushed it down and screamed Not Now! I am so close. In my deep state I walked past this man who I blamed for this pain, pushed aside the anger and need to have him love me…. for as I said it is all about my love for him and nothing about my love for him. I so want to reach out and touch him feel his hand in mine one last time but I know it is not him that holds the key… I gave it away along time ago…that is where I have to go.

My mind holds many locked doors from my childhood. Slowly through the years I have found the courage to open each buried memory and face the past. Always the most painful times of my life both then and now. Each time it is like the lifting of a veil that covers a dead child. As I lift the veil I watch the child breathe again….resurrected in order to take my hand down the meadow of pain I will walk.

I am 9 years old. It is my brother Frank’s birthday and we are all at my Grandmother Rena’s house. My father’s mother did not tell us he would be here… but there he is, my mother is not allowed with us and he wants us to sit in the room with him. I sit on the couch alone and fearful….my brother and sister are on his lap gleeful to see him. He calls to me but I do not want to go…and I want to go with all my heart. Tears run down his face as he pleads for me to come to him. My mother is divorcing him and now is professing his love for us. I stay strong, fueled by fear and biting memories of the past tortures he has placed on me. At the same time I want to believe him, I am dying to believe the words I have never heard from him before….."I love you Denise." The desperation for my father’s love wins…..I go to him.

His tears run freely, I believe he loves me… my sister and brother hug me as we all sit on his lap. I let the walls down, those strong thick walls built through years of beatings and torture! Amazingly, they fly down within seconds with his words and tears. It is then he hugs me close, it is more than I ever thought I would know from him my father, the man with the belt and a rage so bright it burned in the sky. He loves me! I relax and fall into the hug….he whispers oh so softly then ….so only I can hear…. I don’t love you…. never will…. No one can and ever will….I fly back through time, straight past the man I love to the cluttered study and the silent keyboard…. The sobs rack my soul. You see it was all about love ….

My eyes open when I am finally done…there is nothing left….but the music and the keyboard. I look around my house…a home I was so willing to throw away …just to seek love….Love lives here! My walls painted in soothing yellows, pinks, desert sands and vibrant reds hold hours of my mothers and my laughter and love as we splattered paint and sweat poured down our backs. My rows of bookshelves lining the walls in front of me, laugh back.. holding joyful memories of our adventures in carpentry, as I struggled to hand twist each and every screw that now holds up the hundreds of books lining my walls. Wonder and amazement vibrate under my kitchen floor … I think back to my mother’s laughter as I was covered with glue and struggling to get the Armstrong linoleum in place. When we were done, we sat for an hour staring like children at the job we thought we could not do. The tiles of the small bathroom hold my tears of the dark time before the bridge…my birthday… when I felt no light in my soul and my sister and mother came to force me to live. With each and every tile… my darkness and pain left my being and were buried deep with in the tiles grout. Love lives here. I do not have to leave. It breathes within the walls of this house and the garment of skin that holds my soul. I never have to go back to that couch living in fear and desperate to hear the words "I love you!!" It lives here. The pain lifts and I realize this man who I blamed earlier for the death of my dream has given a gift far greater than roses, candy or diamonds for Valentines Day! I am free…the music is playing! I have broken through that glass wall and have played with the bird! I know now I can live and love, the calm has come….realizing this I get up to make the bed, my voice is humming and Barney bounces at my side! I sigh thinking, it was all about my love for him and nothing about my love for him!

Thank you all....

Love + Light

Lady Lorraine du Lac

The Dance

A dance, new we learn today
The steps are foreign and strange
Slowly we go as the music takes us away
We question now are we ready for the change?


We hesitate with doubt
Still the song is too strong
We wonder does our power hold any clout

A new dance that will not be rushed along
Far too profound
This waltz in our dreams
Gingerly we follow the rhythm of new ground

Cautious not to go to extremes
Clumsy we are
A first, I let you lead
Trust is our grace that leaves no scar
Unselfish in the heart our dance is not one of greed


So dear friend
My spirit does not fear
Joy laughter and smiles we need not pretend
Let us dance and learn for the hand offered is sincere.

Denise Tetro © April 25 2004

For Tim...

Fairy Tales

Once upon a time there was a land without fairy tales. Glass slippers and a perfect fit, magic wands, fairy dust and godmothers who save the day never danced in the minds of little girls who existed in this realm. Wise trees speaking their peace, tiny dwarfs with hearts bigger than the universe and prince charming with all his undying love were banished from the hearts of all tiny maids. This was a land where chivalry was a foreign language in which little boys lacked the message and comprehension. A tragedy for not one little boy knew how to rescue a damsel in distress, rather they walked on by thinking it was not their problem! Slaying a dragon was a laugh, who knew what a dragon was, they were too busy trying to live through the day. The excited and bonding chant of one for all and all for one never was uttered. Trust and depending on another were signs of weakness. Kindness did not exist! Shadow dancing children living in a colorless world where sarcastic laughter echoed through their dead hearts.

The children of this world grew up isolated, solitary entities in a cold world without hope, dreams, faith, imagination and self-confidence. Fear was their only friend and hero. A dark world with no light and sadly they never came to understand the power of a smile or safety of a gentle caresses. Faith was a mystery, while respect was dead and honor was a rumor.

From the start these fledglings had a strong understanding of the position they held in this life. Love was impracticable, an extravagance for the totally insane or those few individuals of wealth and power. Sex was a function, a diversion from the pains and frustrations of this lifetime. A physical act to release the silent angry screams that built up over the years. Violent and passionless with no notion of sharing or bonding with a soul mate, leaving them always empty and ashamed. Often an act that only produced more children vacant of the wonders of childbirth only an endless cycle of populating a dead world.

A world barren of simplicity, grace of an pure moment of joy, no giggles or laughter that released purity and light into the universe. Insane notions of creativity, imagination, comradeship and freedom were locked away in dusty catacombs that no one ventured into. Life’s simple pleasures denied, the children of this world grew to be black souls that walked grasping on to the hand of FEAR ignorant of life’s abundance. Suffering was their comfort and without suffering they had lost all meaning in life.

In this fruitless world, the children’s lives were void of hope and dreams, there was no other way of life. Envy, jealousy, hatred and betrayal thrived in this atmosphere. Life was bitter, gray and depressing in which they could only grow into adults that lived lives of quiet desperation. A world slowly becoming our own….. Hold your breathe, close your eyes, listen quietly….. you can hear their silent screams roaring through the universe.

Copywrite 2004 Lady Lorraine du Lac

1999/2004

Forever

If I had only known.
Forever had it’s limits.
Forever is not infinity.
Only a concept of man’s mental abyss!
Forever mere seconds,
Forever was now,
no future
no tomorrow
Just now....
If I had only known.
My lips would have stayed on yours a second longer.
Let the warmth of our hands joined linger for one more breath.
I would have felt one more beat of your heart.
Swam a second longer in your eyes.
Inhaled your soul a little deeper.
Cherished all these things for a split moment more.
If I had only known...
Forever was only now...then...

dlt © March 16 2004

Lady Lorraine du Lac