Lady Lorraine's Lake of Dreams

My little corner of reality expressed through my writings, the art I love.. and plain old thinking!!! I hope you will enjoy them. Blessings Lady Lorraine du Lac

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Location: Open Spaces of the, United States

I am an adventure loving woman. Spiritual! Not religious big difference! Meeting new people is a passion of mine for each has some jewel of experience to share! I am creative and curious. I write, dance and sing badly in the car. Laughter is the music of my soul! I know though tears are the cleansing agents of our heart. A seeker of knowledge and wisdom. A great listener and can talk your ear off if we have something in common. I seek the moment of perfection that lies between birth and our first breathe...the moment of pure escatsy that is the craving of all souls! A simple complex woman am I!

Tuesday, August 31, 2004

More Than I Am

The doors stand open.
Nothing between me and you.
Only the limitations,
We placed a few.

Time is at hand.
Knowledge to gain.
Immense is the plan.
Willing to risk the pain.

Live in the now,
Forget the past,
Appreciate the gift,
We move so fast.

Take my hand,
A moment so grand,
Greater the image,
More than I am.

I take what you give.
Nor ask for more.
Patient and timeless,
Walk through the door.

Dlt aug 31 2004 all rights reserved

Sunday, August 29, 2004

Change Posted by Hello



Calm cool baptismal
River flowing gracefully
Life force impelling.


Life insubstantial
Hummingbird wings fluttering
Complete total change.


Tiny yellow bloom
Nestled amongst living green
Small moment serene.


Simple and complex
Tidal waters ebb and flow
Within you I grow.


Slumbering near he lies
Passion's fire burns wanting you
Autumn's end here cries.


Wind whispering thru trees
Sun's rays caressing the soul
Truth's secrets bestowed.


Chimes dancing lightly
Honey kissed breeze glides by
Blissful life within.

dlt Aug. 29 2004 copyright all rights reserved

Saturday, August 28, 2004

Thinking of you

I let the last few drops of the morning dew dance along my toes...
glistening like day stars...
my thoughts of you flew towards a blue sky....
endless with all that is one.

Smiling and thinking of....
dlt Aug 27 copyright all rights reserved

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

Anais Nin... my mentor..

"You live like this, sheltered, in a delicate world, and you believe you are living. Then you read a book(Lady Chatterley, for instance), or you take a trip, or you talk with Richard, and you discover that you are not living, that you are hibernating. The symptoms of hibernating are easily detectable: first, restlessness. The second symptom(when hibernating becomes dangerous and might degenerate into death): absence of pleasure. That is all. It appears like an innocuous illness. Monotony, boredom, death. Millions live like this(or die like this) without knowing it. They work in offices. They drive a car. They picnic with their families. They raise children. And then some shock treatment takes place, a person, a book, a song, and it awakens them and saves them from death." Winter, 1931-1932 from The Diary of Anaïs Nin, Volume One 1931-1934

How do you live your life??? Lady Lorraine du Lac

Quotes I love

Hi all I can not write today... heavy thoughts way upon my mind.. past memories surfacing and having to face them relive them and embrace them. So.... I close my eyes and go to a site that I love so much.. a women that I resonate with here are some of my favorites from her..

"Oh, God, I know no joy as great as a moment of rushing into a new love, no ecstasy like that of a new love. I swim in the sky; I float; my body is full of flowers, flowers with fingers giving me acute, acute caresses, sparks, jewels, quivers of joy, dizziness, such dizziness. Music inside of one, drunkenness. Only closing the eyes and remembering, and the hunger, the hunger for more, more, the great hunger, the voracious hunger, and thirst." May 30, 1934 from Incest Anais Nin

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
Anais Nin, "Winter of Artifice

"I disregard the proportions, the measures, the tempo of the ordinary world. I refuse to live in the ordinary world as ordinary women. To enter ordinary relationships. I want ecstasy. I am a neurotic -- in the sense that I live in my world. I will not adjust myself to the world. I am adjusted to myself." March 25, 1933 from Incest

Henry, referring to Anais) "With you one goes so far away from reality that it is almost necessary to buy a return ticket. I am afraid never to come back here." June 30, 1934 from Incest
"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls." July 7, 1934 from Incest

"Love is the axis and breath of my life. The art I produce is a byproduct, an excrescence of love, the song I sing, the joy which must explode, the overabundance -- that is all!" Oct. 21, 1934 from Incest
One of my all time favorites and mantra of my life: DU LAC...
In creation alone there is the possibility of perfection." May 11, 1935 from Fire
thank you for reading...
Du lac

Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Letting Go... Posted by Hello

Release, let go...

Release, Let go!
Clinging with fear,
Forever to hold us here.
I say, release, let go!

I am the summer,
Green and lush,
Rich with life,
No need to rush!

Slowly waning,
Fall on the edge,
Colors so vibrant,
Tumble over the ledge!

Release, Let go!
Hold no more,
Nature so pure,
So much in store!

I am the fall,
Crisp and clear,
Night skies dance,
No friend in fear.

Cycle so natural,
Old but new.
Truth before us!
Lies within you!

Release, let go!
One with the flow,
Essence so pure,
No need to lie low.

I am the winter,
Slumbering and clean,
This is the time,
I live in the dream.

Release, let go,
Find the path,
Give time no thought,
Do the math!

I am the spring,
Slowly I wake,
Reborn and refresh,
Winters slumber I shake!

Life so fresh,
No longer I guess,
Rising and churning,
Craving and yearning!

Release, LET GO!
Now I know,
Living within,
Veil so thin.

I am all,
I am none,
Come to me now.
One in the sun.

Release, Let go.
Hold no fear,
Seeds to sow.
You have no foe.

The moon is so bright,
The dark and the light.
Embrace all that is,
Take all I give.

Release, let go.
I no longer know
Fear so deep,
Your blessing I keep.

Release, let go….

Dlt © Aug. 24 2004 all rights reserved.

Monday, August 23, 2004

Evening Mood...Needful Desire Posted by Hello


The ache cries to live,
Swirling through me ,
Strong and full,
Continues to pull,
Slowly growing,
Needing more,
Forth all do pour.
Lost in the moment,
Free from self,
Now so clear,
One with all,
You come to me ,
Contentment lives,
Two as one,
Rapture comes.
Trinity reigns.
Again I cry,
Taste of it once,
Need does haunt,
Crying for more,
Carry me there,
Leave me in bliss,
Never again,
Lost in your kiss,
I hold nothing back.
Give I do all,
Nothing to lack,
Giving …
To live.
Receiving ….
To love.
Unconditional moments,
Forever above.
Dlt all rights reserved © Aug. 24 2004

Friday, August 20, 2004

Buried and Deep

Sleep, I do
Buried and deep.
Fading of time,
Mists of old,
Drifting into the fold.
A soul so free,
Noone can hold,
Breathe in the wet,
Feel the cold.
I stand alone,
Tall and brave,
Hand held out,
To fear, no longer a slave.
Embraced in the mists,
Owning all that I am,
Love flows through me,
I give all I can.
Gently, you wake
In a land so far away,
The vow I make,
Truth forever to say.
The mist flow through me,
Fairy tears grace my locks,
Warm kisses of nymphs,
Whispers, giggles and mocks.
Stars fade above,
As the mists do so part.
Harbor lights dance,
To a song of the lark.
Dreams so rich,
A land far by near,
Morning parting,
The mists of fear.
Damp and wet,
A time so distant and clear.
Hear the fairies song,
Drawing us near.
Time comes slowly,
To those who wish,
To live in the moment.
Of the morning mist.
Now I sleep,
Buried and deep.
A joyful heart longing,
The mist forever to keep.

Dlt Aug 20 2004 copyright all rights reserved.

Thursday, August 19, 2004

Flames of Passion Posted by Hello

Edge of the Day

The morning is new,
Start a new way,
Dreams of my sleep,
Edging the day.

Soft winds blow,
Warm creations of silk,
Peace it does sow,
Suckling Goddess milk.

Feed from her breast,
Ample and full,
Hands cradle gently,
Her essence you pull.

Morning so lovely,
A chance to begin,
Centered and focused,
There is no sin.

Dreams of the night,
Fly to the day,
Alive and breathing,
Passion’s creative way.

You watch me grow,
Craving my passion,
Comfort you sow,
To be, is my fashion.

Morning so soft,
Time to begin,
Living the moment,
Your essence my sin.

Drawn to me now,
Within, you will live,
My passion enwraps you,
I take all that you give.

Suckle my breasts,
Drink full and deep,
Forever my guest,
Entwined we will sleep.

Dreams rise to morning,
Like the sun greets the day,
Full passion, no warning,
Before you, my essence I lay.

Drink of my passion,
Feel life, full bliss,
Ecstasy within us,
I crave your kiss.

Morning so soft,
I hear the call of the day,
Goddess fills me.
When your away.

Can you feel me now,
Though we’ve not met,
Swirling inside me,
My passion, your pet.

The morning is new,
Start a new way,
Dreams of my sleep,
Edging the day…..

dlt Aug 19 2004 copyright all rights reserved
For J... my muse...

Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Chaos Posted by Hello

Breaking the Seal

I can not write today,
Words do not flow,
Blockage deep,
Struggle forth,
No works to keep.
My writing is edgy,
Lost and a mess,
My mind floats aimless,
No discipline to find,
Power building,
In the mind,
I feel the surge,
Beneath my skin,
No words to find,
Pain pushing out sin.
I can’t write today,
Chaos is king,
I reigned by his side,
Now I lie at his feet.
Chaos in life,
Once I so strived,
No balance,
No freedom,
Only to feel alive.
My actions silent,
Time is the muse.
No writing today,
As Chaos reigns,
Slowly this world,
Material so real,
Come to reality,
Break through the seal.
Time to move forward,
Live in both worlds,
Discover a goal,
Empty my mind,
Follow the heart,
To fill my soul.
Dlt copyright August 18 2004 all rights reserved

Tuesday, August 17, 2004

Gray to the Bay

Rain, rain, rain.
Gray day abound.
Rich, wet,
Soaking the ground.

My soul is parched,
I drink in the rain.
Hungry and thirsty.
Feeding the sane.

I wander the gray,
Searching for air,
Tears from heaven,
I answer the dare.

Look up and pray,
Forever blessed,
The gray is a time,
Faith is the guest.

We wander our paths,
Into the light,
Forever we seek,
What lies in our sight.

Out on the edges,
The answers do lie,
Do not conform,
Truth will pass you by.

I stand in the gray,
Orange and reds,
Lie on the edge,
Dance in the head.

Towards the light,
I do so walk,
Running no longer,
Hope I stalk.

First steps wobble,
Scratching the itch,
Slowly I stumble,
I lie in the ditch.

Laughing with glee,
I can only see,
Red blood running,
Pulsing from the knee.

Out of the gray,
Into the red,
I bleed and I laugh.
Thoughts swim in my head.

Move forward dear soldier,
Time holds no key,
Hope, faith and love,
If you chose to see.

Rain, rain, rain,
Forever the gray.
Parts before me,
Come swim in the bay!

dlt copyright Aug 17 2004 all rights reserved

Monday, August 16, 2004

Sunset Passion Posted by Hello

Sunset Passion

The sun sets slowly,
Lies at our feet,
Our silence golden,
Lost in the heat.

Passion growing,
Intense and complete,
Your whisper my calling,
In your eyes I do seek.

A hint, a glance,
So few do know,
Deeply you touch,
Desire does grow.

Oranges and reds,
Passions of life,
Cross the shadows,
I surrender no strife.

Your drawing is strong,
My ears hear your song,
Pulling me forward,
For you I long.

Time of no substance,
Only you and me,
Lost in the moment,
You set me free.

Dlt Aug 16 2004 copyright all rights reserved


To love is divine,
No chains, nor cage,
Free and complete,
Carries no wage.
Demands retreat,
Banished designs,
Clear and open,
Sacred and blind.
Love divine,
A haven of peace,
To rest and heal,
Pain soon to cease.
Glow and feel,
Your joy release,
The key, the clue,
Freedom for you.
Love unconditional,
That I give,
In order to live.
Dlt copyright Aug. 15 2004 all rights reserved

Sunday, August 15, 2004

The Oxbow  Posted by Hello


Hear the beat of the rain,
One with the pounding heart,
Nature and man called as one,
Never soon to depart.

The answer is simple,
The call of the rain,
Drumming of blood,
Racing through my brain.

Release and let go,
Time is a myth,
Truth soon to flow,
Love the true gift.

Rain slowly wanes,
The moment,
A second,
Now truly sane.

Breathing in harmony,
Lost and true,
Answers before me,
Rising out of the blue.

Release and let go,
Go with the flow,
Time is a myth,
Love to sow.

Hold onto nothing,
Forget the past,
Future lies dormant,
Follow the path.

Ignorance breeds pain,
Listen to the rain,
Your heart speaks the truth,
When joined with your brain.

One with the world,
Time is a myth,
Truth soon to flow,
Love the true gift.

Dlt copyright Aug 15 2004 all rights reserved

Saturday, August 14, 2004


The fire within,
Once so new,
Now gone,
Put out,
I have lost you.
Sad is my heart,
For a time held by few.
Closed doors now stand,
Between me and you.
We had the chance,
For a moment we tried.
I took my stance,
Neither of us lied.
Your wall is too tall.
I knock on the gate.
Never you answer,
It is just too late.
An effort so grand,
For just a touch of your hand.
Pull back you do.
I now have a clue.
You I let go,
Your pain does so flow.
I offered my love.
Friendship above,
Forever I stand,
Your greatest fan.
Lessons you taught me,
Simple and true,
Trust and be open,
Now I thank you.
I see now my love,
The time has gone past.
The moment ,the second,
A shadow is cast.
The wall is too high,
The answer is true,
My love goes with you,
I whisper adieu.
Dlt copyright August 14 2004 all rights reserved

Thursday, August 12, 2004

Siren Song

The moon sings thru me,
Pulsing rays of my soul,
My dreams of you dear,
To the sea do they flow.

Friends do surround me,
Our language few know,
In the sea we do dance,
Come live in the glow!

Come to me dear one,
In waves we do fly,
Living in peace,
Pure moments that cry.

One in the moon,
Songs of the sea,
My partner your place,
Soon we are free.

Floating in grace,
In our hearts we will be.
Dream I do now,
At the edge of the sea.

My song I do sing,
To your ears it does flee,
Listen and hear,
The message I bring.

Come to us now,
Love on the wing,
Forever, my vow.
A queen and her king.

Soon you will hear,
The whispers of few,
Songs of the dolphins,
Deep in the blue.

Come to us now,
Listen and be,
My partner, my love,
Living at the edge of the sea.

Dlt © August 12 2004

Monday, August 09, 2004

blue solace Posted by Hello

Blue Solace

I sit here this morning as the sun rises outside my windows. There is small haze still in the air as the suns warmth rejuvenates the mother earth. The sky is a blue that many artists strive to copy but can only live within our memory. The green grass screams with life that pulses pure energy to all who will receive. Yes, I am moving again into a poetic mode! It is a day of hope. I sit typing and a bird sat on the branch before me. Vivid yellows, the gold finch stares telling me to start anew today.

I still amaze myself that I forget the consciences of deep healing. Once embarked upon the euphoria that comes through after the storm is amazing. Funny, I keep forgetting the plummet afterwards!!!! This last week of not working was one such week. Employment has an amazing quality to allow us to create a wall between the healing and ourselves. I had no such wall this week. I went through total ethereal floating to depths of dark caverns of pain. No focus on the day each second meddled with the day, the year.... eternity. Prayer was useless I felt alone and lost. The marathon started as I ran to old friends to receive comfort. The need to be told how beautiful I am, to be desired, recognition for my intelligence, the ego ran full out as I bolt from my truth. Spiritual healing is a funny thing. Just when we think we should be our closest to the Divine essence we fall to our most basic human self. Sundays seem to be my day of discovery. Filled with the deep understanding of my actions of the last week I floated in and out of balance. The day was a reflection of my emotional quality. Dark, black and heavy clouds threatened and suddenly the small ray of the sun would pierce the dense quality that loomed over head, slowly giving way to the blue of a vision. Light and open the pain floats to the sky received into the gentle palm of the all knowing. This happened at least 4 or 5 times yesterday. I can only think of Christ as he journeyed through the desert before he surrendered to his destiny. The why and how runs through our brain while the heart screams to be heard. A division so tragic as both cry for attention and love. The mental demanding to be controller and the heart gently pulsing its message through the body so strong that it draws the dense dark clouds closer to the surface threatening a hurricane in the soul. Release, tears, confession to one we love: only then when the intelligence sits and listens to the heart and both stop running does the sun filter through. The moon rises and calls to the healing sleep...... sleep. So after the exhaustion of lost running I slept. To awaken to a bright and hopeful dawn.

I sit here now to tell you that hope thrives with each new day. The cry of flocking birds scream outside my window. I watch as their shadows fly across the full heavy outstretched limbs of the crabapple tree outside my window. I can not see the birds, only the shadows racing across the green leaves of life. Tiny fragments of my pain flying skywards as the haze gives way to the day. I allow music to come back into my life. A CD from a loving man plays in the back ground. The haunting melody new to me soothes me into the day. I release my need for him as the music plays. Holding on hard only creates one to run. My animals awaken and join me. So close to me yesterday as I flew through the dark alleys of my spirit I laugh now in the remembrance of how they had to be touching me. Sitting in my lap or on the chair with me, I realize that they were drawn to the pain I was experiencing and were telling me I was loved. Having opened myself to the joy of living they now check on me.. cry out and then go back to their business of animal living. Such gifts these small spirits disguised as dogs and cats are!!! Barney climbs my lap and crawls to the small of my back. His favorite place to sit with me, the base of my spine, the home of the Kundalini energy that flows through each and everyone of us. Obi my small black priestess looks up at me cries out as if to tell me to come back now join them in this earthly plane. It is time.

I sit listening to the last songs that float through the air. Each song the beat faster and calling to come back. Sipping the coffee and smoking a cigarette I am brought back to the material world. Finding the strength to do what needs to be done in this world that I live. I am discovering once again the determination to follow the path of this plane. The pain of a spirit that is having a human experience how fascinating. We forget that we asked to come here for this experience. We crave to go home and not feel the human living on this plane. Balance returns as the nicotine and caffeine curse through this physical body I call Denise. I remember that I asked to be here. The strength lies within me to do what needs to be done. Always one that floats in the spiritual realm I now find that I will join the day and do the tasks that must be done in order to survive in the world I am living. Pay bills, find new employment, clean house, fulfill promises made. Small deeds that bring me closer to the overall goal. It is so hard sometimes for those of us that feel we do not belong here. We must realize that we are here accept the challenge and move into the day. With this awakening I now take the last few minutes of the morning gift to finish this writing, stop and say a prayer of thanks and feel alive again. The blue of the day has rescinded to a color that artists can create. A balance of divine living and earthly existence. I accept the challenge to live this day. Grace, a gift undeserved but so cherished.

Lady Lorraine du Lac
allrights reserved copyright dlt 8-9-04

Sunday, August 01, 2004


The weather forecast called for thunderstorms today. Hot and sticky slowly the gray skies are sliding into the past. The sun is reaching back from the future demanding to live in the now. I watch the shadows of the leaves dance on my deck and think to myself what is the MORE? I am lost. No purpose in life, empty shallow at 42 I sit here and wonder what is life about? The shadows dance on the deck…gray, one dimensional, and dim. These shadows are my life. The winds of change tickles the edges, I ask when will I no longer be a shadow, but a full living leaf that is rooted to the tree?
When did my life become so empty? Many say this is depression but it is not, it is something so much more. A form of spiritual death a precious gift dying that I know I must release or forever be lost. So I sit on the deck watch the dancing grays and pray for the green.
I have always been one to say I live without regrets. That I hold all that has been an experience of my past as a gift be it good or bad. Did Parsifal feel this emptiness on his search for the holy grail? So alone, desperate and dying? Was his world gray and meaningless before he found the secret? Did he witness the gray to green miracle? Can I find the strength to witness my own color guard change?
At this moment I regret that I have not lived a more normal life. This truth stares me in the face and shouts from the tips of the leaves…edgings of green coming into focus. Yes I have some fabulous tales to spin around a campfire and laughter comes easily as the drama queen pulls out her crown in the telling. The life of a seeker is lonely. We have many experiences to share to teach and to learn from. I can’t help thinking though at the end of the day that these experiences are the gray shadows on the deck compared to the gentle smile of a child that calls you mother. The passion of climbing a mountain face pales in comparison to listening to the steady breathing of your partner as you fall asleep at the end of the day. The comfort of writing is empty when mirrored to the sharing of your soul face to face with one you love, all the while knowing the risk of loss you take but, taking the chance anyway. My passion for this single isolated life is dying, I miss the touch of a lover, the quiet silences and the shoulder to lean on. I miss them? I laugh, how can I miss something I never have had? Again it is the knowing that lives deep in my essence that haunts me, telling me let go and believe. Has time tainted me? For at this moment I have little faith in what I have yet to experience, rather the knowledge of my past haunts me and calls from the dim grays that the MORE is a myth to forget and not strive for. Parsifal did you feel this? Where is the green?
I fight hard now to grasp onto anything that will make me feel. A woman so passionate about life I am now but a whisp of a ghost floating through life. Maybe I have it all wrong…. Always have! This is a devastating reality to come face to face with. The quest for inner peace, pushing forward courageously, always to do good for others while seeing the best of this world in all, is this a fable? I sit in reflection as the sun hides behind a huge black edged cloud. I ask, is there no silver lining for the seeker? I have always maintained that the religions that stated that Jesus never had a life companion were wrong. The belief that in having only himself and God was enough was a myth. I believed wholeheartedly that Jesus and Mary Magdala were two parts of one. This is union of soul, mind and body was the way to the divine. Trust, love, honor and respect shared between two people an experience that we all must strive for to reach ecstatic union with God. Not just sex people! Rather so much MORE. Now I doubt this, maybe the religions are correct. There are those of us whom are to be alone, as Christ is in the Bible to share the experiences of life and God, but never to share with another the total marriage of two souls that create passion for living. Am I giving up hope or living in reality? This thought saddens me for if I accept this as the role of my life what else will I settle for?
The sun hides still as the passion of these question fades. Where did this all come from one might ask. The truth is the answer. When one is faced with a truth about themselves we have options to take but, only one leads to a greater freedom. That option is surrender and acceptance of our responsibility. I must now speak the truth one so painful that I, like the sun, have hidden for years behind the clouds of a false reality. No longer may I hide this secret that I myself must face. The reasoning for the death of my passionate life. I must go there again.
Many have heard the story of my life, the trials and tribulations that I have survived. I have been compared to by others as having the power and essence of the Mary Magdala. I have spent months now reading of her, trying to see the resemblance. For you see, I do not see this at all. Mary Magdala was a woman of divine courage and faith. I am anything but. If I reflect on my beliefs that Mary and Jesus had a sacred marriage and that she gave birth, I see no comparison to me. This woman faced the decision, accepted the help of others and brought life into this world. I did no such thing.
Ten years ago, I made a decision in my life that lacked courage or the strength of one who holds the essence of Mary Magdala. A decision that will forever haunt me and that I believe I am being punished for. A wound that never heals. When asked what age was your favorite, I always quickly comment back 33! I go on to explain that is was the year that I changed my life. Returning to school, leaving my comfortable restaurant job, in great physical shape, facing truths and helping others. I never mention though that the age of 33 also held the worst day of my life. All these simple reasons that I state for being the best year of my life hinged on a decision that also made it the worst day of my life, a day of the coward and not accepting the gift that was given to me.
That day I sat alone on my couch crying tears that I hope I never have to shed again in this life. Then again, if presented with the same decision, I would not even consider the choice I made that day. I was pregnant, alone and afraid. The shadows on the deck are no longer visible, blocked from the sun the gray reigns as I go back to that day. A day I hid away, a choice I made that put me on a different path, one of my own free will, one that I regret.
I sat alone that day of the decision due to my own fear. This pregancy was not planned, we took precautions, I was careful and still this happens. I did what I thought was right in this relationship. I had previously had a year of celibacy and slowly dated this man. We did not sleep together until we were long into the relationship and then it was only once. I did not tell him of the child. I did not trust that he would not leave me where I was already, that of being alone. I thought to myself why take that risk? Why add fuel to the pain I was already experiencing? Why think that he would be any different than all the other men in my life? That he would actually stand by me, help and be a support. I did not even allow him the opportunity to try, I denied him the truth and myself the lesson of trust.
Alone I sat that day, on the couch speaking to a child that I did not have the heart to bring into this world. I loved this child, I wanted this child, but I lacked the courage, faith and respect for myself and God that I could do this. So instead on that day that the gray began to edge into my life, I cried and begged for forgiveness to a child that lived within me. I convinced myself that this was for the best, as I tried to convince this force I felt alive within me that same fact. I knew the child was fighting for its life, I felt it within me and the tears came harder and faster. I hated myself for lacking the faith in myself and God. I hated myself for believing that this was the right decision. Sadly, I still hate myself.
The childs voice left me that afternoon and with it my true passion in life. I chose my path. I saw the pregancy and this child as a cage, something I feared all my life. Reality was and is, that decision to deny myself the gift of that child was the true cage. One that there is no release from, one that I live in to this day.
Slowly, I come back to the present. The sun has slipped behind the hills and dusk will soon be upon me. The cage and the bars are still there, formed by the desire of the green of a leaf. Maybe tomorrow it will be sunny and I may heal some from opening this wound. Or maybe tomorrow the sky will cry a million tears for the path I chose. I only know now, the truth is told. Before this truth was faced, I was living a lie, a mask placed before all to see. I am raw now, naked and vulnerable. Who do you see? In front of me, stands Mary Magdala smiling.